What happened when Akshay Kumar’s biwi left her phone with her little one? Read on to find out…
11 am: I am peering at carpentry bills half written in Hindi, a few gibberish English words and the rest in what could be Swahili when I start seeing messages on my iPhone like ‘oh t she is so cute, I just saw on Facebook’. Wondering if my friend has seen the picture I posted of a French coffee cup and has decided to forgo the rules of grammar, I ignore it and go back to my bills.
Ping! Another message, ‘she looks just like you ringlets and all’.
Time to investigate…
I go to my Facebook page and in sheer horror discover that there is a video of the baby and me posted on my page.
Flashback: 9 am: The baby is running around in her grandmother’s house, she is snatching my lime juice, she is throwing peanuts on my mother-in-law, she is rattling the TV remote, she is climbing on our dog, in other words she is driving me crazy and in order to calm her down I give her my phone.
End result: She has randomly jabbed a few buttons, managed to hit bull’s eye and posted this video on Face book; where I am in my 11-year-old nightgown with toothpaste in my hair, holding the saintly looking (Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde) baby; pointing at the camera and saying, ‘Show me your belly button, Show me your belly button.’ again and again. If the man of the house ever wants sole custody of the children he can produce this video in court to prove that I am unstable, on drugs and undisputedly deranged. I quickly delete the video but not before 720 people have seen it on my (so far only work related) ‘The White Window’ page.
2 pm: I get a what’sapp message from a friend saying, ‘I have been inviting Mayuri and she wasn’t replying and have just realised that I have been sending the invites to Mayuri Sharma and not to Mayuri Khalsa.’ As I am wondering who these Mayuris are since I don’t know either, my friend sends another message, ‘Oops! My bad! Sorry! wrong Tina! I was sending it to my other friend Tina’.
4 pm: I am in the gym frantically trying to undo last week’s cupcake damage when I get an SMS from the man of the house stating ‘I am on my way home’. I quickly call him because he left for Nepal this morning and am pretty sure he was supposed to be there for a week. He answers the phone, snorts and says, ‘I sent you that message yesterday!’
8 pm: I get a snide phone call from a friend asking why I had not invited her on my girl’s night out yesterday and as I am wondering how she even knew I had hung out with the girlie gang, she says she saw it on our common friend’s DP on her BBM, which in regular English means one of the girls put up a group selfie (the current despicable trend) on her Blackberry messenger.
8.04 pm: I finish my phone call only to realise that while I was still talking, my iPhone has managed to dial and redial inspector Bapat at Juhu police station 44 times for no rhyme or reason and before I get arrested for harassing the police, I quickly switch my phone off.
9 pm: After in-depth analysis I have come to the conclusion that God was right when he told Adam to leave the apple alone and I too decide to give up apples, blackberries and any other new fruits of technology and from now on communicate only through homing pigeons.